s a parent, you’re normally the one who dishes out “don’ts.” “Don’t do that” may sound like guidance to you, but family experts say children often ignore or dismiss the words. Here’s how it feels on the receiving end — with a chance to pick up some pointers.
We often say “what we don’t want, instead of saying what we do want,” says Pete Stavinoha, a psychologist at Children’s Medical Center of Dallas. The flaw is that “the word ‘don’t’ is a pointer. If I say to an 8-year-old, ‘Don’t go in the closet,’ that’s the very place he’ll go as soon as I leave. Instead, say ‘I want you to do this,’ or ‘When you do this, then this will happen.’”
“When a kid breaks a rule, don’t ask, ‘Why did you do that?’ or ‘Who started it?’ Instead, focus on the positive,” says Stavinoha. “Questions estrange, but statements endear. Say, ‘I need you to behave this way,’ or ‘I need this done.’ And keep it short.” Overdoing it “just invites a kid to debate or challenge or even lie.”
It doesn’t help to hold up a child’s brother or sister as a model of behavior, because every child is unique. “When you make comparisons, it hurts their self-esteem,” the psychologist says. “It doesn’t motivate them. It makes them resentful.” Just say what you’d like to see happen.
If you’re helping your child solve a problem, Stavinoha notes, “the more you talk, the less your child has to think. The more they talk, the more they have to think. If you explain something in great detail, you inhibit your child’s understanding, and they’ll shut down immediately because they can’t take it all in.”
If a child comes to you with a serious problem, don’t focus on what he or she has done. Instead, talk about how you feel and try to learn more, says Stavinoha. If parents would truly
listen, he adds, “I think we would have much less worry about drugs, violence and teen pregnancy.”
