The children may feel guilty for leaving one parent, or uneasy in a new environment. “None of us likes change that much, and big changes during the holidays can be particularly difficult to cope with for everyone involved,” says Pete Stavinoha, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist on staff at Children’s Medical Center Dallas. Still, there are ways to make the holidays happier and easier for everyone.

• Avoid guilt trips. When sending children to spend the holidays with their other parent, encourage them to have fun. Let them know what your plans are while they’re away. Don’t send the message that you’re being left alone.
• Plan ahead. Coordinate the logistics, such as transportation and holiday plans, so the children can anticipate without anxiety.
• Avoid one-upmanship. Share information, such as the fact your child no longer likes peanut butter sandwiches. “Don’t withhold information to prove you know more about that child,” Stavinoha says. “The only person you’ll hurt is the child.”
• Coordinate gift-giving. Exchange the children’s wish lists with the other parent so you can decide who’ll give what.
• Create a checklist. That will ensure nothing gets lost in the shuffle.
• Share medical information. Include your doctor’s phone number in case prescriptions need to be refilled or medication gets lost.

• Let kids stay connected. Establish a schedule for the kids to communicate with the absent parent.
• Allow for quiet time. When your children arrive, let the household they just left know they’ve arrived safely. Then, help your children unpack in their own room or fill their own drawer – something to give a sense of belonging.
• Establish an arrival-day ritual. A standing activity after unpacking, such as popcorn and a video rental, helps communicate belonging. This gathers everyone together but doesn’t force interaction. Save that and a review of household rules for day two.

Contact the Stepfamily Association of America at 800-735-0329 or visit www.stepfam.org on the Web.