“The loss of a parent, sibling, relative or friend can affect their sense of security,” says Pete Stavinoha, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist at Children’s Medical Center Dallas. “Helping children cope with their loss is crucial in enabling them to resume their lives fully at home and school.”

Children deal with death in many ways. Preschoolers have trouble understanding that death is permanent, but children ages 5 to 9 begin to experience grief more like adults. Children’s responses include: denial, shock and confusion; anger and irritability; inability to sleep or nightmares; loss of appetite; fear of being alone; physical complaints, such as stomachaches and headaches; loss of concentration; guilt over failure to prevent the loss; depression or a loss of interest in activities; reverting to outgrown behaviors (such as bed-wetting); withdrawal from friends; excessively imitating or asking questions about the deceased; talking repeatedly about wanting to join the deceased; and inventing games about dying.

These normal responses eventually will pass in most cases. “Children, like adults, need time to grieve and be upset,” Stavinoha says. “One of the most important things you can do is to let them know you’re ready to listen, and provide reassurance they aren’t alone in their pain.”

Consider these steps:

• Lessen confusion by avoiding euphemisms such as “passed on.” “Answer their questions about death simply and honestly,” says Stavinoha.
• Let children talk about their fears.
• Offer choices in what children can do to express their feelings. Help them plant a tree in memory of the person, for instance.
• Emphasize that the death wasn’t their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.
• Enlist a counselor if you feel your child needs more help dealing with the loss. If you see signs of depression or suicidal behavior, seek help immediately.