“Recent research proves conclusively that the most important single influence on the development of children is the example set by their parents,” says Pete Stavinoha, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist at Children’s Medical Center Dallas. “If parents say one thing and do another, you can be sure the kids will pick up on the contradiction, and fast.”

According to Stavinoha, children must look to role models in building their personalities and shaping their behavior. In most families, those models are supplied by the parents.

“I’d estimate that about 70 percent of children’s learned behavior comes from observing their parents’ actions,” says Stavinoha. “I think many parents would be surprised to learn that their words provide only about 30 percent of the behavioral motivation that determines how a child will act.”

To start, parents must scrutinize their own behavior. Ask yourself: Are your actions as a parent really in line with your words?

Consider these questions:

• Do I observe the same rules of courtesy and respect for others that I require of my children? Example: Do I pepper my speech with obscenities while punishing my children when they utter a “dirty word?”
• Do I show my children that I respect them fully, even as I demand respect from them? It’s easy to become supercritical of your children and to forget that they’re entitled to respect, just as you are.
• Do I encourage my children to tell the truth at all times, and then instruct them to lie in certain situations, such as when answering the telephone? (“Tell them I’m not home!”)
• Do I urge my children to respect and value other people as I gossip about a relative or neighbor?
• Do I really listen to my children, or am I setting a bad example by merely nodding my head and pretending to listen?