It’s called the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. But win or lose, experts say, it’s far more important for Melissa and her teammates to take away from sports some lessons about self-esteem, motivation, discipline and getting along with others.

“It is important to remember that the attitudes and behavior taught to children in sports carry over to adult life,” says Pete Stavinoha, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist at Children’s Medical Center Dallas. The win-at-all-costs attitude common in college and pro sports is “creating an unhealthy environment,” Stavinoha says.

If a child has a genuine interest in playing a sport, and parents can encourage that interest, then athletics is a great way to teach kids how to cooperate, win generously and lose graciously.

“Parents should take an active role in helping their child develop good sportsmanship,” Stavinoha says. “Remember, success is not the same thing as winning and failure is not the same thing as losing.” And children model the behavior of their parents, he says, so it is important for parents to exhibit good sportsmanship.

How can you help your kids benefit from sports? Here are some suggestions:

• Always praise your child’s effort, not the outcome.
• Come to terms with your own attitudes about winning and losing. If you clearly feel winning is everything, children will pick it up.
• Use sports to teach lessons on life. If your child is supposed to attend practice but wants to go to a party instead, you should insist that the commitment to the team comes first.
• Attend some games and talk about them afterward.
• Have realistic expectations for your child.
• Talk with your child about experiences with the coach and other team members.
• Help your child handle disappointments.
• Model polite spectator conduct.